As I was slowly wandering back from the coffee shop in Bella Bella, after having slept only 4 hours post night shift, my mind began chattering away. Lately, I guess you could say I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess – from the outside, I’m sure everything looks hunky dorey. But it’s a different story inside my head. On top of that, add the fact that I decided to sign two nursing contracts for two weeks back to back in a very remote – very beautiful – but very remote coastal town. Where there is too much time to listen to the thoughts inside my head. Not the best timing on my part, or maybe it’s actually perfect. I’ll hope for the latter.
So back to wandering home from the coffee shop, my mind was a whirl wind. Wondering and fretting about the what ifs. Trying to figure out what my head wants versus what my heart feels. Trying so hard to force zen-ful thoughts into my head about my current situation instead of allowing myself to feel the anger and frustration that is trying to make its presence known. Trying to show some kindness, I gently reminded myself that I was post nights – which feels like a hungover episode of jet lag – and then began fighting back tears feeling sorry for myself. Low point.
Just as I was about to give my head a shake, and take a massive step back from the negative thoughts inside my head, it began to rain. The sun was still peaking through the clouds, so it took me by surprise. I smiled as I was almost home, and headed out to the balcony to enjoy the view. Looking around, I instantly felt an ounce of excitement. Misty and sudden rain with patches of blue sky and rays of sun could only mean one thing – a rainbow must be near. I noticed myself smiling as I became excited looking around for this magical moment. I expected it. I expected to see this beautiful glimpse of hope, that always tends to bring out the beauty in the gloom.
And there it was. A double rainbow. Stunning. It only lasted a minute or so, but it brought about a feeling which lasted much, much longer. It reminded me of that saying: ‘Without the rain, there would be no rainbows’. And it is so very true.
I have been stuck in the mess inside my head, trying too hard to get rid of it. To make everything feel okay again. When really, I need to remember to just be with it. Allow it in. Get to know every inch and cranny of it, however dark and uncomfortable it may be, and know that it too shall pass. To EXPECT and become excited for the glimmer of hope that wouldn’t be made possible without the mess.
So thats what I’m going to try to do from now on. Expect more rainbows. Become excited that something magical is near. Know and trust that excitement and hope are waiting just around the corner.
Expect more Rainbows!
Smile with your heart