I know that yesterday was the last day of this challenge, but I wasn’t up for writing much. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little blah-zeh. You know, just a little bland. There hasn’t been a whole lot of spice in my life lately, and I guess it’s been getting to me.
I love getting to the bottom of things. Almost a little bit too much. But maybe that’s a good thing? This good hearted curiosity? The type of curisoity that can sometimes become annoying. Of trying to understand why things are the way they are. So that’s just what I’ve been doing… getting to the bottom of this. This not so welcomed blah-zeh.
I had my a-ha moment today. It came in the form of a few things but it first started with a smile. I woke up from the most amazing dream, literally smiling. Something that I really, really, really want – I had. And it felt amazing. It was so obvious in my dream that it was right. This dream, to me, was a little reminder. As well as another opportunity I had today – of a glimpse of my dream job. A reminder. That things don’t always have to happen NOW. That sometimes it’s better off they don’t actually happen now. That perhaps, yes – what I want wants me – but in good timing. Sometimes there’s experience to be gained and lessons to be learned. You know how looking back on things, sometimes you’re glad it hadn’t happened earlier? Well, that’s how I’m seeing things from my eyes right now. A reminder that perhaps there’s a really good reason why things are the way they are and aren’t they way they aren’t. A reminder that life is unfolding perfectly. A reminder to trust this. To trust that everything will happen just as it should. That it IS happening.
So the blah-zeh. Well, I’ve recognized that it boils down to this: being uncomfortable with stillness. With things remaining as they are. For some reason, I seem to thrive off of change. Of continually moving with things. Different things. New and exciting all of the time. It’s painfully hard for me to even keep the same hair colour for longer than 8 months than it is to live in the same place. The travel bug, adventure bug, curiosity bug – you name it, I’ve got it. Fun for the most part, but frustrating at the same time.
And lately? There hasn’t been much change. Which would explain my feeling of anxiety over the past few weeks. Of ‘really, this is it?’ For that long? Really? Yes miss Jenn Thiel, really. So enjoy it. Enjoy the fact that you get to see the beauty in it. That you KNOW life is unfolding just as it should. You don’t have to have it all now. You just have to enjoy. See it with new eyes. Stop chasing after things. Let them come to you. Move in the direction you feel passionate about, and enjoy it. Don’t rush through it. This is the advice I have been giving myself lately, anways. As a friend, to myself. Don’t rush. Just enjoy.
I have come to believe that change is one of the few constants in this world. It’s inevitable that things will always be changing. So it becomes comfortable in knowing and being ready for change. Of expecting it. Of getting by without fully committing, without appreciating the stillness, because we know that this won’t last forever. But, with this – this always reaching for the new and exciting – leads to failure. Failure to enjoy. Failure to commit. To sit with and be with every aspect of it all. To be fully 100% present. And hence,the unfolding and realization of my fear of commitment. Tied up in the comfort of change. Hmmmmm. Now that’s pretty deep if you ask me. At least I’m starting to finally admit it.
Some advice I received the other night from one of my patients? As I walked in the room, he randomly – for no apparent reason – blurted out, with no expression whatsoever on his face, “Don’t plan too far ahead, you might die“. You should have seen my off-guard reaction. Straight to the point there big guy! But he’s right. We never really do know.
So enjoy the beauty in it. In the stillness. In the blah-zeh. Change is happening all around us. Sometimes more slowly than others. It’s constant. It’s guaranteed. So enjoy this – this moment, this stillness – because it won’t always be there.
Smile with your heart!
Pictures are from Monday’s snowshoeing night at Grouse Mountain – one of my many homes and favourite views. Also, I’ll be starting my next challenge on February 1st. The day of the big 3-0. Big goals for a big year. I’ll continue writing until then, but am taking a break from the goals for now – and enjoying the last few days of my twenties. Eeeek!