I am so dedicated to you having something to read today that I am at a coffee shop tonight writing. Our building decided to shut off the power which unfortunately includes internet AND HEAT!! It’s gonna be wool socks and flannel pj’s tonight :).
I woke up super stoked for the day. SNOW! I literally danced my way out of bed to the Dixie Chicks. Great way to start the day. I decided not to make the trek to school as I didn’t feel comfortable driving someone else’s car in the snow (the beast died last week.. a sad day, but it was gonna happen sooner or later). As soon as my feet got wet, I admit I got a little grumpy. My snowboots are at my moms. Grrrrrr. Who knew we’d have this much snow in November!!! I pretty much stayed in my pyjamas all day and watched movies in bed. Ahhhhh. It was good. Played some guitar, drank tea, and just chilled out. It seems like the universe is trying to get me to stay put lately. No car, snow everywhere, and I can’t exercise as much since I’m pretty stiff from the accident I was in which took the beast with it (thank goodness not us). It felt good being lazy today. This doesn’t happen to this Thiel very often. I’ve decided that I’m going to be needing a lot more days like this. Hellllllo Australia! 2.5 weeks!
Anyways, I went to my counselling session tonight not really thinking I had much to talk about. Apparently, that’s the best time to go because it’s when you have the most to talk about. The stuff which seems to slide under the radar just happens to make it’s way to the surface. What I learned this session is that I am searching and in need of something so much greater than myself to allow me to feel safe; to feel completely and totally unconditionally loved. No external person/substance/thing… but unconditional, REAL, divine love. I’ve come to believe in universal source energy, but it just doesn’t seem concrete enough for me right now. I need something more.
Lately, I’ve been calling a certain someone when I’ve felt lonely, sad, or afraid. I have not been allowing myself to trust myself to be alone. How I know that this isn’t right for me is my feelings, my physical energy and my intention. I want to jump two feet in to any decision I make. I just can’t do half ass. It doesn’t resonate with me. It doesn’t feel right.
Last week my naturopath was asking how I know that I’m doing the right thing in any situation. I answered, “I just feel what’s right. I let my feelings tell me if what I’m doing is right or wrong”. She admitted that this was a good thing, but that it wasn’t enough. I needed to have something stronger. An intention. Does what I’m about to do line up with my intention? I didn’t know the answer to this, because I didn’t have an intention… until tonight’s yoga class.
I left my counselling session KNOWING that something was going to come to me at yoga. I need something so much more than my current coping strategies. Yoga, friends, meditation, exercise.. it only helps for a small amount. But what am I supposed to do when I feel all alone, and none of these help? BREATHE. One of the first things the teacher said in class was, “We need to breathe in order to allow our souls to receive. Just breathe.” Immediately I turned this into a mantra that I repeated throughout the class: I breathe, and I allow my soul to receive. She further explained that we cannot capture enlightenment, which is what I seem to be searching for at this point in my life (such a perfect class for me). Rather, we need to RECEIVE enlightenment, and we do this through breathing. We will receive enlightenment only when our soul is ready.
I am ready for something more. I want more. I want to discover a love so deep inside of myself that I feel I’m levitating. I’m learning that no human being can provide this for me. I have to do it on my own. I have to FEEL alone. I am only beginning to understand a glimpse of this feeling when I meditate. I KNOW there is so much more. So now in my life, when I’m wondering whether or not I should be doing a certain something I am going to ensure it matches with my intention: discovering unconditional love within myself, and expanding my spirituality remaining grounded, calm and open to possibility. I feel like I’m on the verge of something. I’m continuing to ask for guidance. There is something so much greater!
Whomever you are, I’m becoming much closer friends with you. It’s so nice to meet you. :)
Smile with your heart.
Pictures are from Tiny Devotions – a new friend and creator of my prayer beads!